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Tarotscopes for Your Pet! (And how to find their Zodiac sign)

Being quarantined means more quality time at home with your pets! The Angel realm and I worked up these tarot horoscopes to read to your fur baby, feather baby, scale baby, exoskeleton baby, or whatever you happen to have for a pet. #AloneTogether

If you don't know your pet's birthday or zodiac sign and your pet is Female, you should read the Cancer tarotscope (tarot horoscope) for your little lady (listed under Water Signs category).

If you don't know your pet's birthday or zodiac sign and your pet is Male, you should read the Pisces tarotscope (tarot horoscope) for your little buddy (listed under Water Signs category).

If you don't know your pet's birthday, zodiac sign, nor sex then please refer to the Gemini tarotscope for your little critter (listed under Air Signs Category).

If your pet has passed on, we can communicate with him or her on the other side in a tarot reading. These tarot horoscopes are for exclusively intended for alive pets this week.

Aries Animals! (March 21- April 20)

  • Cats- Don't be a scaredy cat today! You can make those leaps and land on your feet!

  • Dogs- Compassion for your owner means more cuddles for YOU!

  • Reptiles- Be extra careful this week! Don't get too close to your sunlamp or you might get burned!

  • Birds- Don't let other people and other pets annoy you. The only one that matters is the one that feeds you. Everyone else can squawk off.

  • Rodents- Stick close to rodent friends if you have them, or close to your human. You don't fair well if you try to go about your life on your own. #stayHomeTogether

  • Farm Mammals- Your message is EXACTLY the same as the one for Rodents. Don't try to befriend rodents though this week. They won't be in your life for the long term so there's really no point.

  • Bugs, Fish and Pets Not Otherwise Mentioned Specifically- Be sweet to your human even though they don't entirely understand you this week.

Leo Animals! (July 23- August 22)

  • Cats- Your humans and other household pets aren't on the same page as you this week. You're likely thinking about hiding in the house or sneaking outside and running away, but it's not going to help them understand what's in your cat brain. If you talk yourself into staying home you'll have someone to play with this week, so there is an advantage to not throwing a vindictive fit.

  • Dogs- Your chakras are aligned and your energies are balanced! This can make you hyper. If you're hyper AND annoying, you'll be able to help your human off the couch!

  • Reptiles- Your chakras and energies are aligned just as the Leo dogs are. This makes you nicer, but doesn't otherwise help you or anyone else.

  • Birds- This is an unlucky week for you. You might not believe it when your human reads this to you, but it's true. You're a dodo bird if you don't heed this warning, even if you're actually a cockatiel.

  • Rodents- Pay attention to signs and omens this week. Trust your instincts. This should be easy to do because you can't read, ask Siri, or Alexa, so what else do you have anyway?

  • Farm Mammals- You don't feel very pretty this week. If your human attempts to wash or brush you, you should let them without resistance. It will make you more lustrous.

  • Bugs, Fish and Pets Not Otherwise Mentioned Specifically- Like Leo Cats, household pets and your humans aren't on the same page with you. Don't let it annoy you, do what you want. You do most of the time anyway.

Sagittarius Animals! (November 23- December 21)

  • Cats- Sneak around, hide, and stalk your human this week. Its super fun, and it makes your human feel more loved and playful. You could get some cool new toys as a reward.

  • Dogs- You don't have to be smart because you're cute; never forget that.

  • Reptiles- This week, trust no one; not your human, and not even anyone living in the same transparent hell box as you. Make your very own little sacred space in there. There's no need to share it with others. As a reptile its obviously imperative, but your ding-dong human might not realize that a "friend" means a gory live-action bloodbath.

  • Birds- It's time for a new adventure! Not a super new adventure, don't go flying out of the house and get yourself eaten and/or lost; but more like an adventure again. Or, like an adventure that is different than the last one, but still in a safe and familiar space... #StayHome

  • Rodents- Literally be quiet as a mouse. Don't make a peep. Shutting the fuck up solves a lot of problems for everyone... (Looking at you guinea pigs).

  • Farm Mammals- Make a lot of noise, stand your ground, advocate for what you want, but don't attach yourself to an outcome. Expect nothing. The truth is, your human doesn't speak farm mammal. Your efforts may be futile, but build character regardless.

  • Bugs, Fish, and Pets Not Otherwise Mentioned Specifically- Everything you need is in your tank. You might not believe that, it might not be obvious; but it's the truth. No one believed that MacGyver could make new tools and weapons from a mere pocket lint, a paperclip, a half dissolved peppermint from the sidewalk and tons of charisma; yet he prevailed literally every fucking Saturday night from 1985-1992. If you're even 5% as good, you're great.

Cancer Animals! (June 21- July 22)

  • Cats- If you stalk that random thing on the floor for an extra long time this time, it legitimately becomes more interesting. Get after it, attack with full force. You'll catch it.

  • Dogs- You can't change and control things this week. You're not the boss this week (nor ever); your human is. Sorry... Tough break.

  • Reptiles- You don't get a lot of respect this week, and that sucks, but shit could be way worse, and also this is typical for you. #TruthHurts

  • Birds- You're not radiating much of a gratitude vibe this week because you're still trapped in a fucking cage all the time. Wild urban pigeons (they're not "pets" -this is a "Pet Tarotscope") however, are super grateful this week. The highest joy and greatest gratitude vibes possible for a bird this week is achieved directly in relation to time spent walking on those little bird legs. Pigeons are living the best live ever imaginable, taking control over desolate cities while humans are caged in this bizarre turn of events. Crumbs are occasionally launched out apartment windows and even still remain in sidewalk cracks from a couple weeks ago. This free food is easier to find with less humans constantly dropping garbage on top of them and kids aren't running them down, screaming like the little assholes they are. Life has never been better for for a city dove. Pet birds- We see you and sympathize with your jealousy. No judgment.

  • Rodents- Your legs are too short to actually do yoga, BUT that doesn't have anything to do with your value and worth as a pet. You're neither too little, nor too much and you don't have shit to prove. You were already adopted.

  • Farm Mammals- Life shouldn't feel stagnant and stale, but yours is going to feel that way this week and your food tastes that way too. You won't be literally stuck in mud or get your head lodged between fence slats; you can physically move around. Your human is just on their phone too much this week and neglecting you because they are a dickhead.

  • Bugs, Fish, and Pets Not Otherwise Mentioned Specifically- Covid-19 can't get you this week even if you're that one tiger who already got it (you can't double have it- DUH). Yet somehow shame, guilt, and regret persist making this week uncomfortable because you weren't as creative and innovative as the tiger, an international celebrity, the first ever and therefore the best ever. #tigerKingLiterally

Pisces Animals! (February 20- March 20)

  • Cats- Work hard, play hard. Thinking while laying around is work...

  • Dogs- Alert- Your human doesn't have your best interests, nor the best of intentions at heart when they ask "Where'd it go?!" and something disappears.

  • Reptiles- The more you learn, the more you grow! Trial and error grows your brain even if your enclosure restricts the size your body can..

  • Birds- Shut the fuck up. You're not singing. Those aren't songs. It's annoying. You're not Beyonce. Don't take it personal, you're still pretty. #BeSeenNotHeard

  • Rodents- Life isn't happily-ever-after for you, but you've never had to pay a bill in your life. Your obsessive thoughts are miffed, irrational, and need to change, especially if your delusions of grandeur are to change the world.

  • Farm Mammals- Your human might be looking at you differently. They may see you as a big bag of money that can be sold in tough financial times. If you plan to escape, this week is your last chance. Commit fully or you're probably fucked.

  • Bugs, Fish and Pets Not Otherwise Mentioned Specifically- Not comfortable in your little habitat? Most people aren't comfortable having you in that habitat in the house either. #evenStevens

Scorpio Animals! (October 23- November 22)

  • Cats- Hiding with other critters or snuggling under your humans's blanket as you cuddle means special treats and special scratches, cuddles and rubs.

  • Dogs- Don't be scared. The vibe you put out comes back to you so be your lovey puppy self and life will be divine this week.

  • Reptiles- You're not laughing... Some of you literally can't do that as a body function/feature, but others of you just have zero personality and are boring.

  • Birds- Why do you start chattering when your human is trying to sleep or nap? It's rude. Reevaluate what you're doing so your housing status isn't reevaluated... New humans are the same as these, not any better for you.

  • Rodents- Woof, you're in a deep dark Scorpio mood vortex. Be more gentle with yourself and try to remember that these feelings aren't your friends.

  • Farm Mammals- Your humans want to know how they can love you more. If you can't give them some hints, you can't receive the benefits of their intentions.

  • Bugs, Fish, and Pets Not Otherwise Mentioned Specifically- This is a time for fun! Wanna sneak out of your enclosure? Hop out the tank? Bounce out the back door? Flip your fish body out the aquarium? Will be fun if you make sure your human sees, but you'll be going through some shit if you do this without a watchful eye. #tragic

Virgo Animals! (August 23rd- September 22)

  • Cats- You know what's fun and exciting this week? Knocking glasses off of counters and tables! #basic

  • Dogs- Bark less. Your human doesn't understand what you're saying no matter how loud, nor how often you do it.

  • Reptiles- You're not going to live forever, so don't make choices that you usually don't. Sitting on your sun lamp all day is a very bad idea this week.

  • Birds- If you squawk less and coo more, your human will give more treats!

  • Rodents- You don't feel adorable and cute. You're right, you're kind of gross, but some humans love you anyway. #InnerBeauty

  • Farm Mammals- It's hard to find a mate when your human is too poor to buy you one. Sorry. #sucks

  • Bugs and Pets Not Otherwise Mentioned Specifically- If you are ever going to make a run for it and escape to the outdoors; THIS is your week! #YouMissTheShotsYouDontTake

Capricorn Animals! (December 22- January 19)

  • Cats- If your human could just GTFO the house, you'd feel much more content. Some of you may get lucky this week. For the rest of you, I'm sorry.

  • Dogs- You can't go outside if you're human doesn't let you go outside. It sucks your human doesn't have a routine anymore and has completely let themself go.

  • Reptiles- You can't go outside if you're human doesn't let you go outside. It sucks your human doesn't have a routine anymore and has completely let themself go.

  • Birds- Yay! Extra treats for no reason!

  • Rodents- Your human is struggling right now. There's no good way to help them, your resume sucks and not many places are hiring rodents.

  • Farm Mammals- There's more to the world than just your penned in area. While your human is distracted, working on repairing sections of your habitat, that's your chance to break free!

  • Bugs, Fish and Pets Not Otherwise Mentioned Specifically- You're stressed out and worried that you're not enough. It's not a crazy thing to worry about unfortunately.

Taurus Animals! (April 21- May 20)

  • Cats- It's been a long time since you're human has gone out and gotten wasted with friends. It's going to be a while longer that your peace is disturbed, unfortunately.

  • Dogs- Having the humans in the house all day isn't working for you anymore. If one of them dies, they are gone forever. It's not a success if they leave that way, doofus. That means they're dead and they aren't returning. Standing by the door won't bring them back. Try to appreciate that they are home instead.

  • Reptiles- Let your human know how unhappy you are this week, but try not to do it by biting...

  • Birds- Sing your heart out. Your messages may be annoying to your human, but they contain magical Divine wisdom too.

  • Rodents- It's a week to burrow deep into your bedding and Salk. Nap away your depression. Everyone else is. #quarantineLife

  • Farm Mammals- What goes around comes around! How fun would it be to block the exit to your enclosure? That will show your human.

  • Bugs, Fish, and Pets Not Otherwise Mentioned Specifically- The little eggs you've laid are about to hatch! Make sure they're well hidden because you're human isn't thrilled about keeping them all.

Aquarius Animals! (January 20- February 19)

  • Cats- When your human isn't looking, ATTACK! They will assume you're just trying to play.

  • Dogs- Your human isn't Magic as you thought. You've finally figured out their tricks although they keep thinking they can fool you. Which one of you is actually smarter now?

  • Reptiles- That heartache you feel because you're not the center of your human's world is finally healing. It's not healing because you are becoming the center of their universe; but because you finally accepted that you're not a fur baby, and you never will be.

  • Birds- People often say they feel free, centered and joyful after spending time in nature. Happiness is possible for you, but the problem is it's outdoors… #jailbird

  • Rodents- are you sad, depressed, disappointed? You're right. It's hopeless…

  • Farm Mammals- Things aren't the way they used to be, but if you let your human ride you( even you pigs and cows) at least I'll be a little more fun for one of you.

  • Bugs, Fish, and Pets Not Otherwise Mentioned Specifically- You're never getting out of this place. If you get a companion, appreciate them because it's the best thing that's ever going to happen.

Libra Animals! (September 23- October 22)

  • Cats- You knew about the coronavirus and you didn't give a shit once you found out cats can't contract it. You're kind of a bitch.

  • Dogs- Things change quickly! Your human might not be as loving with you this week, but that's because they're masturbating a lot. #Awkward

  • Reptiles- The fact that you'll never leave will always be depressing. Literally always.

  • Birds- Your singing may not be Heavenly, but your human should have known that owning a bird is hell. #doYourResearch

  • Rodents- Hoping that things will get better and be wonderful is the right attitude, even if it's about 0% likely for you.

  • Farm Mammals- If you walk around super large-and-in-charge, like you own the place; your human will believe you do, and will stop coming around trying to touch you all the time.

  • Bugs, Fish and Pets Not Otherwise Mentioned Specifically- You're never going to get those fancy accessories that you want for your enclosure; but you can be happy regardless, so long as you're lucky enough to have companions. Making a family will bring you joy, even if you're human sees it otherwise. #HomeIsWhereYouAre

Gemini Animals! (May 21- June 20)

  • Cats- You're not vibing with the humans. If you choose run away, you'll have to stay away because they will never give you your space if you choose to come back. #smothered

  • Dogs- Yeah... lots of people hate cats too. #relatable

  • Reptiles- Things are out of the ordinary, but your home is happy regardless. Try to stay in it. If you allow your human to take you out, they will not put you back for a super long time. They're too starved for attention right now to let you be. #attentionWhores

  • Birds- You can't live this way anymore. Feeling hopeless and trapped, like a bird in a... #embarrassing

  • Rodents- At least you can be happy in your dreams.

  • Farm Mammals- Is Coronavirus a good thing, or a bad thing? For some of you it's a really, really, bad thing. #foodShortages

  • Bugs, Fish, and Pets Not Otherwise Mentioned Specifically- You don't know what to be afraid of getting stepped on, until you’re actually stepped on. #tooLate


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